On 20th December 2019, I came down with a cough, I didn’t think much of it if I’m honest as I always used to come down with things. I actually thought it would last a day and disappear… however it didn’t. I even tried to run on 21st and looked so exhausted – it was a silly idea!

I was on annual leave that week, and was due back on 28th December but I ended up really quite poorly. I couldn’t stop coughing and was so tired. I spent from 20th to Christmas Eve mostly in bed. I went for a meal with my family and another family but remember feeling like I was too ill and telling people to keep their distance because of the cough. On Christmas Day we were at my parents and I think I went to bed around 3pm for a bit. I might have managed a film after that but I can’t remember. I then spent Boxing Day to 28th in bed again. I was so exhausted and still couldn’t stop coughing, I called in sick for the Sunday shift on 28th.

I think I had 2 days in work that following week so I decided to just go back to work to my admin job, but I was still coughing my guts up. It was almost like I managed through the hrs and then threw up when I got home and went to bed again. I didn’t do anything NYE and on 2nd January, I tried to teach after working some admin hrs (I think). It’s probably worth mentioning at this point that I’d had a few headaches/light-headedness – which I put down to the coughing but looking back I’d actually been getting a few headaches over maybe a year, not migraines but enough to have noticed them and wondered about them, but not actually done anything…

So, 2nd January I think I taught 2 classes but it might have been one, my memory is hazy, but I definitely taught (or attempted to teach) Body Pump, a weights based class for anyone who hasn’t heard of it. I remember literally scraping through it … I had to take a huge breath before saying anything to try to avoid coughing, as whatever I was fighting was on my chest, you tend to talk quite a bit in Body Pump so I found it hard work. I even remember one of the members making a joke of possibly needing to get the defib on standby.

After the class, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and knowing I looked pale, very pale, even for me. I remember pointing it out to one of my colleagues and he’d agreed.

The following day I was teaching again but I did call the doctors to speak to a GP to ask if they could see me. It’s not like me to go to the doctors, but I’d had this cough/chest infection for 2 weeks now and wanted to know what I was dealing with. I did teach my classes and after the doctor said they’d see me, my colleague took me.

The doctor listened to my chest and back for quite a while. She then told me I had a very bad viral chest infection but it wasn’t bacterial so there wasn’t antibiotics given. She said they can last a few weeks but if it hadn’t cleared in a week to go back again. I don’t remember if I mentioned the dizziness or headaches. She did sign me off from teaching for 7 days though.

So, signed off to only do admin, I still worked the rest of that day. I still worked all my admin hours that following week. I remember one of the members talking to me, asking me how I was feeling and that when I’d taught that Body Pump class 2nd Jan, I hadn’t even broken out in a sweat, I was just very pale and clammy. I was getting better though, at least, my chest felt better and the cough had stopped so I felt like I’d made it to the other side.

I still felt extremely tired, I was still sleeping a lot. Friday 10th January was my first day back teaching and that day went ok, I took it steadily. On the Sunday, I took my weights right down in Body Pump, I took it steady but I’ll always remember at the end of the class asking them whether they wanted to do the shoulder track or stretch track because we only had time for one. They chose the stretch track which I was so relieved about but I remember that I couldn’t really see the class when I asked them. Everything had gone dark but as I moved to the floor I was ok again, so it lasted only about 2 seconds. I was worried but just carried on. I taught the Wednesday and again felt ok and I was working my hours in admin and taught the Thursday night and again seemed ok … when people were asking me that week how I was feeling I said I felt like I was getting better but still extremely tired and still felt like something wasn’t right …

The morning of 17th January, I woke with a headache. I was teaching my 3 regular classes and I think I was covering Body Pump. Someone on reception asked how I was feeling and I remember saying I thought I was getting better but I felt like there was still something  wrong with me, I didn’t quite feel right but I couldn’t explain what it was … I started teaching and that’s when I had my first symptom of slurred speech. I remember thinking “that’s a bit strange” but carried on, then it happened again, but on odd words so I still carried on and actually said “sorry, I can’t seem to get my words out” …. my abs class finished and there’s a quick change over to my next class … a HIIT class. I was standing, telling the class what they needed, in my mind I was teaching that next class … I don’t know what I was thinking, or whether I just wasn’t really with it but a member told me I didn’t look well and other members helped to to sit me down. I did do as people were telling me, but, Would I have carried on had people not said not to? … probably …

I even remember being in hospital and a colleague telling me that whether I went home that day or not, he wasn’t allowing me back at work for at least a week as I probably would have tried knowing me … turns out I wasn’t back for a lot longer than a week but you can read about that in my other blogs from quite early on….

Quite quickly, I needed to try and learn to listen to advice I was being given, and to listen to myself and do what was best for me pyschologically, emotionally and physically.

Nearly 2 years on …

So …. fast forward nearly 2 years and a couple of weeks ago I felt like I might have been coming down with a cold again. Little bit achy, swollen glands but nothing really came of it.
I worked more hours between Monday – Sunday that week, because of our working week being Friday to Thursday – I wasn’t working more hrs, just had shifts closer together so they overlapped with a normal week.

I was supposed to do a course the day before the World Stroke Day event but because I was so tired, I asked to postpone so that I had the energy for the Friday. I could feel I was tired but was trying to keep going and knew I needed to be ok for World Stroke Day as it was going to be a very long day which I’d expected. I think adrenaline kept me going but by Sunday I felt very tired and the cold was resurfacing.

I worked on Monday but my brain felt fried. I felt tired but in the sense that my brain had had enough. I was struggling, stuggling to think, to concentrate, to remember words I wanted to use. I was a bit shaky and had this cold looming. Everything just felt hard work, I got through it but I felt very forgetful and didn’t like that feeling and even though I managed, I definitely wasn’t at my best … another feeling I hate, although it’s easily hidden with a smile … I knew in my head that what I needed was rest …

On Friday at the event, one of my lovely colleagues had mentioned she could maybe help cover shifts if I needed … I was working Wednesday and Thursday then was off till Monday and also had things planned socially that I was supposed to be doing …

So the big question and kinda the point of this blog is … “Had I learned my lesson in overdoing it?”, “Could/Should I ask for help?” Or “Should I just push through anyway?” (It’s only fatigue and a cold)

It was a bit of a fight with myself because I just wanted to push through, but after my stroke, I admit I’m actually a bit scared to overdo it now. Even though I know the chances of another dissection and stroke are very very low, I’m scared of pushing it and if I’m honest, I don’t want to take the chance & I know the right to do is to put myself first.

So … I asked for help and luckily for me, I had support and help from my colleagues to be able to take a week to rest off work …

So I did do the right thing for me!

Reflection …

It all makes me wonder a number of things;

• “Why do we put ourselves through so much stress?”,
• “Why do we not rest when we need to?”
• “Why do we put so much pressure and guilt on ourselves to do EVERYTHING?”,
• “Why do we put so little importance on our own health and show ourselves and our minds and bodies such little respect?”,
• “Why do we feel so much guilt if we’re struggling and need to take time out, or a break, or to stop or to say no to something & rearrange something to a better time?”
• And “Why do we feel guilty when we need help and ask for it?”

Well, I don’t have all the answers or possibly any to the questions above and not all people will feel/do the same … but I do think we just need to learn to be kinder to ourselves and treat ourselves with more respect … and we might not want to ask for help sometimes because we don’t think we’re going to get it, but we should feel we can ask without feeling like we’re letting everyone down …

I had mixed feelings about needing/asking for help … Once I’d sorted my shifts & agreed I would stay off till the Monday, I felt relieved that I could rest BUT at the same time I felt a bit down, a bit upset about it, maybe feeling like I’d let myself down more than anything else and that I had overdone it. Maybe annoyed with myself as well, I felt the guilt about looking after myself and that I wasn’t just trying to carry on – I mean how ridiculous! 🤔 We shouldn’t feel bad about making a choice to take care of ourselves should we?

So, on reflection (as I’m finishing this a couple of weeks later), I do and need to feel proud of myself for learning a huge lesson in looking after myself and my health and working out that it was right to ask for help and rest but there is a little part of me annoyed that I’m in this position, that I definitely get more tired than I used to, that I overdo it sometimes, that sometimes I feel ok and carry on, but then it catches up with me.

I question how I feel, Am I just tired and run down? Or is it still after effects from the stroke and my brain struggling sometimes?

I probably won’t be able to answer that, although I do know that stroke survivors do struggle with post – stroke fatigue and it is a real issue for a lot of survivors I’ve connected with and really I/We need to find out what our balance is with work, exercise, social things etc

🦋 WE DON’T HAVE TO DO/SAY YES TO EVERYTHING 🦋

Life is short, I’m really so fortunate to be able to feel like I can say no now and that I do or have had the support from where I work and am in a position financially to be able to work part-time 😊

I hope sharing this helps someone reading it, or gives someone a different perspective, or just gives a bit of education in post-stroke effects as well …

As always, Thank You 🙏 for reading 🦋🦋🦋