🦋 Today was my first day back at work after being furloughed since 4th January when we had to close our doors for the third time and the third time my return to work hasn’t lasted long! 🦋

Last year when health club’s reopened after the first lockdown in England, I was on sick leave and chose when I was ready to go back, so I was in control of when I started and in my mind, I returned from the stroke, and covid was just something else in the background … except I feel like I’ve never been able to return …

I’ve said before that I feel like this is 3rd time lucky returning to work after stroke … Normally a return to work, I guess, would have been a phased return to hours and then just work as normal … potentially if anything had been too much I may have made the decision to have had more time off, or maybe I may have increased hours but for me it’s been return, build up hrs, Nov lockdown and business restructure applying for different roles, reopen in Dec in a new role, and close again within 4 weeks … needless to say it has felt bumpy with things out of my control stopping me find a sense of normality after stroke …

Other stroke survivors say “you need to get used to the new you” and that “your life will never return to how it was” … I read things like this all the time but I kinda thought my life would go back to how it was, physically I’m ok, still get a bit tired and knew I wouldn’t teach straight away but I did think my life would be the same … except with covid it hasn’t, I haven’t really been given chance to find out and to be fair maybe never will or at least not for a while …

Today was hard, I didn’t sleep well, I got up and did exercise to keep me busy before work, I was shaking & felt freezing and cried a little bit … I guess it was anxiety I was feeling? I felt scared but couldn’t explain why. Maybe it’s thinking, “can I go through this again? Build up again and worry about whether we’ll close again”. I almost struggled to walk in the building but when I did I saw 2 colleagues and when they asked how I was, I just told them. One of the guys said he felt the same which automatically put me at ease.

I think for me personally, I’ve actually gotten so used to a “normal” after stroke of being at home that maybe it’s felt safer not to leave (other than for exercise & I haven’t done that with anyone other than my partner for over 2 months) … before stroke & covid I never would have said I’d enjoy being at home, I’m a worker, always have been, but it has definitely felt safe and does feel frightening to think about “normal” life whatever that is, working and seeing people again … Maybe we should welcome changed parts of our lives as a stroke survivor, depending on what they are, or changed parts through the covid pandemic …

Is it wrong not to be in a rush to do things?

I’ll admit I don’t think I’m in a rush to do anything and everything as soon as we are able to, just because we can … and no-one else should feel they have to either. If you have friends/family who do choose not to join in things as soon as we’re allowed, try not to judge, there might be a reason, they may be used to staying at home, or feeling anxious and worried, and may take longer to get back into things, it might take a lot of effort even for someone just to meet someone else for a walk, but if you’re completely opposite to this that’s great! Just remember other’s may not be and to give them time. After my stroke I got used to seeing one person at a time and then was starting to build up to more, except lockdown happened. Other’s might need to see people one-to-one as well, rather than groups. Obviously when it comes to work we have to go back, it might be hard but you have to go lol

I’m not writing/sharing this for sympathy at all by the way. I’ve done my first day at work and gotten through it, I’m tired but I’ve done it before so will manage and it’ll get easier … I’m sharing more so people know that it’s ok to feel all the above. It’s ok to be honest and open and it helps. I’m also speaking in the hope that lockdown will ease as it’s meant to & life does replicate a more normal life, albeit a changed life🤞

I’ll try to remember the following;

🦋 Take Away 🦋

➡️ If you’re in the same position returning to work after a stroke or returning for whatever reason;

• IT’S OK TO FIND IT HARD – you’re not failing if you do,
• No-one says you need to find it easy,
• Speak to your employer about how you’re feeling, other’s may feel the same,
• Take it steady,
• Be kind to yourself.
• Listen to yourself and trust your gut feeling,
• Always talk, find someone you can confide in.
• Exercise – it helps physically and mentally. I’m going to try and keep doing what I have been through lockdown. Pilates 2/3 times and 2/3 runs.

Keep Smiling … but don’t ignore how you’re feeling, we don’t always need to be strong!

Thank you for reading! 🙏🦋🙏