It’s my 5 month strokeversary today 💜💜💜

I can’t quite believe it was 5 months ago that I was taken away in an ambulance from work not really sure what my prognosis would be…

I remember a lot about that day … being sat down by gym members between classes, going to an office to lie for a bit, almost being taken home, being taken back inside for paramedics to be called. I remember the paramedics arriving and doing tests… I think my blood pressure had been high, my partner reminded me that they did a few stroke assessments at the time. I remember being wheeled out on a stretcher thinking it was a bit over the top. 

I remember being taken to hospital, being in A & E where I had a student doctor (I think) plus another doctor assessing me, nurses doing some tests, a chest x-ray being done. The doctor asking me to explain what had happened, my 2 colleagues being there but going back to work. I remember telling my partner that I thought he should call my parents as I was waiting for a CT scan. I remember being given an aspirin … I remember not being able to fully drink it, it was going down the side of my mouth, my partner tried to sit me up and I realised I couldn’t hold myself up or move my left arm or leg. I remember my partner yelling for the doctor to come back & they quickly organised that I was going to be taken to another hospital.

I remember asking the paramedic in the ambulance whether I could shut my eyes but I think I was scared in case I didn’t open them I think.

I remember going into a cubicle and two female nurses were there fitting a catheter, a male nurse telling me everything would be happening very quickly and they wouldn’t be wasting time. I remember the consultant walking in and he was a member from the gym & knew me. I remember the CT scan and I remember going into theatre and speaking to the anesthetist before going under.

5 months isn’t a long time, but looking back I have come so far. I’ve had to learn a lot;

• Learn to take things more slowly, especially when I could only walk for 8 weeks.
• Learn to be more patient and not get frustrated; this mainly when I was getting back to holding a fork properly.
• Learn to keep trying and not to give up; I did my physio exercises pretty much every day.
• Learn to listen to my body and I mean really listen; if I’m tired or feel off, I rest, I don’t try to push through things as I would have before.
• Learn to try to accept change; luckily, physically, I’m basically back to normal but to accept new perspectives I have and what I may prioritise now.
• Learn to accept more of a “grey” world for myself. For example; accepting that when I go back to work, I won’t return quickly or to exactly what I was doing before and be okay with that.
• Due to covid I’ve learned to be okay spending time by myself rather than feel the need to be around other people.
• I’ve learned I’m a resilient person and strong.
• I’ve learned to appreciate my body and mind more and not take them for granted and that my body has been through an ordeal but it has survived.

It makes you think about a lot when you’ve had a knock as big as a stroke. I have lost some of my confidence with things which I think is getting better in time but I guess it’s finding a way to accept a change and that things may return to how they were and they may not. You may return to how you were, or you may not. You realise you’re not invincible, nobody is, we just never realise until something throws us.

I know that I do feel like I have to feel a sense of achievement, something I think is just in me as a person. I realise this is both good and bad.

My counsellor has sent me a “perfectionist” work book thing to look at and work through. Possibly from my dance background I may have tendencies towards “perfectionism”. I’ve always assumed that this is someone who wants to be perfect all the time. It actually in a nutshell is someone who sets tasks or goals which are unachievable, or they strive for things they may never achieve or may never happen. In turn this means the person will never be happy, because they never achieve what they want to. So what is perfect anyway? I don’t think anyone can answer that because it doesn’t exist. Maybe we have an ideal about things? And maybe our standards are just set too high sometimes. This isn’t to say we should completely lower them but we should look at something and question and spend time working through whether it’s achievable. I have only read a little bit so far but I’m looking forward to learning about it and myself more.

In the last few months, I realise if I have a goal in my head, I want to complete it, but at the same time, I think I’m being more kind to myself than before in not setting my standards too high.

2 or 3 years ago, when I used to run quite a bit (nearly every day), I would try to compete against my last time and felt annoyed if I hadn’t beaten my last time. Now I realise I’m lucky I’m able to even attempt to run so I just go. My current goal is to go 3 times a week and I want to complete that and feel it’s achievable. The test will be how I feel if I miss a day (I’m only on my second week). Even little things like cleaning the house, if I’ve set it as a task then I want to complete it, even if it’s over 2 days. Day to day I think it’s important to set maybe 3 little tasks, but to learn that if you don’t complete them you haven’t failed, it’s okay. I am still learning to accept that if I want/have a day doing nothing and I just relax, it’s fine. Nothing bad will happen!

I’ve accomplished a lot in 5 months with regard to all of the above, with my running and the pilates and yoga I do, with a press up challenge I’m doing at the moment, with just resting and not feeling bad about it. Leaving the washing up and not being hard on myself. Also learning to write about things on my blog and how to reflect – again a learning curve!

None of these things come over night. I think it takes a long time with certain aspects of them but I’m proud of myself but still learning and trying each day and hope to continue …

Thank you for reading 🦋🙏🦋

P.S. If you have noticed I use butterflies it’s because I love butterflies. One of my favourite quotes is;

If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.

Thought this was quite apt for this blog.