I am sitting in bed just finding myself wanting to write.

On Monday I got really great news, hopefully you have read my last post. I can exercise, the chances of the same thing happening are minimal, I should pretty much get back to a “normal life”.

I’m not the same person I was before my stroke. I’m seeing a counsellor, run by the amazing NHS and part of what they offer through the community team. I’m more shy, more apprehensive, I feel vulnerable, I’m not as confident about so many things as I used to be, I’m emotional, I feel anxious.

Unfortunately, I won’t see my counsellor now for the foreseeable future, but she called me today and will call me every couple of weeks to check in on how I’m getting on.

Today was a nice chat. I told her about the little goals I’d tried and managed to achieve since I saw her 2 weeks ago. I walked round Swinsty Reservoir (my longest walk since my stroke), I’ve been to a bar for lunch (first time I’d walked in town and been somewhere I used to go), I’ve spent time at home (I’ve been staying with my parents). My boyfriend has had to stop work because of Coronavirus so I am moving home today.

None of these things were easy, I get very teary when I do something new and for the first time. I think it’s partly relief, I’m proud of myself, I’m happy I’ve done it and feel lucky I can do it.

Talking with my counsellor we discussed Coronavirus. I’m not in a higher risk category but I do feel worried and am not going out unless I really need to other than going for walks and the supermarket when needed.

She could tell that since seeing my consultant that I sounded more confident and have achieved so much and am doing so well. Doing things the right way, slowly and steadily so that things aren’t too much.

I should be so so happy with myself and how far I’ve come … and yet part of me doesn’t because of everything going on in the world at the moment and actually I think I feel guilty because another part of me does feel happy.

Realistically, my recovery goals aren’t going to happen anytime soon in the current situation.

I feel sad about this.

I’m not rushing things but trying to get together in small groups of people to see if I’m ok and can handle it will have to wait, building up my fitness in a gym is going to have to wait.

I’ve spent 2 months already pretty much in isolation, I know I’ll be ok but a lot of me was looking forward to trying to become more sociable again and now I can’t do that. I know a lot of people can’t.

The counsellor said at least I’m more inline with everyone else in the country right now and I felt a little annoyed because, I don’t want to be.

I’m aware most people are feeling so many different things right now; disbelief, anger, worry, uncertainty, positivity, loneliness, sadness, stress.

I guess I’m feeling like I was already feeling a lot of those things towards my stroke. I’m still trying to piece together what happened, I haven’t processed it, I’m trying to get my head around a major traumatic experience and that it’s ok for me to feel everything I am, I’m quite disattached to it in a way like it happened to someone else. I’m also now getting my head around seeing the consultant and accepting what he’s told me and then on top of all that I’m constantly thinking about a world crisis.

In the book I’m reading there’s a line;

We consider it good to be good to others, but don’t forget that you have a responsibility to be good to yourself first

At a time when the “old me” would want to do whatever I could to help others, my focus is this quote and that I’m still recovering and that I need to focus on myself. Should I feel guilty about this? Should I feel the need to apologise? I’d like to think that this is understandable and I’d like to say if anyone else feels this way, don’t feel guilty or ashamed for not helping. You’re not a bad person and you can’t help others when you’re not being kind to and looking after yourself.

I guess I’m going to finish by saying “Stay positive”. We will come through this!

If you’re trying to help others, if you’re not, if you’re still going to work, if you’re working from home or if you’re self isolating….

Stay safe to you all!!! 💜💜💜💜💜