As I’m writing this, it’s Mental Health Awareness Week 2021. So it feels like writing this has come at an opportune time.

Recently I made quite a big decision at work…

I’ve probably talked quite a lot about returning to work and how it’s been, but I think it’s really important to share this/my experience with other stroke survivors and anyone else who may relate to it…

I always read a lot of comments from stroke survivors saying “I miss the old me” or “I’m getting used to the new me” and “I’m not the person I was before my stroke”….

Well, I think for me, I’ve been telling myself I AM the same person…. except I’m not quite. I have changed, maybe not physically or in huge ways that are noticible, but in smaller ways which I may not have been aware of and couldn’t see. Sometimes this will be seen as negative, however I’m looking at it in a positive light.

After my stroke, I knew one thing I needed to do was to put myself first more. This was a bit difficult as it’s not something I’m used to doing. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a ‘yes’ person, someone who likes to help and not let people down. This is a great attribute to have, except, I wonder a couple of things; Does it really help ME? What do I get out of being this person?

Well, it makes me feel good to be that person because I say yes, I help and people are not let down … except now it adds to the tiredness/fatigue I experience and can add to stress and anxiety I feel of doing the right thing and what that is.

Putting yourself first is hard. A lot of people think about what is expected of them, what’s needed of them and not what they might need themselves. It’s scary and frightening to think about your own needs first as well, but my big decision at work has been to do just that … put myself and my health first. The counsellor I had following my stroke did keep saying that my biggest obstacle would be returning to work and trying not to go back running at 100 miles an hour again.

If you keep up with my blog you’ll know I worked in the membership department. I returned to work in August, built up to 28 hrs over 8 wks, worked about 4 weeks of those hrs and then November lockdown hit plus a restructure within the business.

I reapplied for my membership role, but it was changing to an at home role which I didn’t like the thought of, so I applied for a new role as Gym Supervisor at 20 hrs a week but quite happy to go up to 28.

When the club reopened in December, I worked about 3 weeks in my new role before the club closed again and I was furloughed.

Many people have said to me that I’ve done so well just to even go back to work, which feels a bit odd, but then I realise so many others in my situation may not have been able to or not wanted to, so I guess I have done well to do so.

In the beginning of returning to work in March for the third time, it was going ok, quite simple as we only had outdoor classes and tennis going on. When the 12th April came around and lockdown restrictions eased again, the gym reopened along with other things inside. This meant a more physical job sanitising the gym and equipment between classes, interacting with more members and diving into the supervisor role as well.

I don’t think it happened at one specific time, but about 3 weeks into being back i was starting to feel quite exhausted and drained, it felt a little like I was drowning and only just managing to stay above water. It started to feel harder and more overwhelming. Obviously it’s a lot to get used to again but more so with restrictions due to Covid-19. I felt like I wasn’t managing and my head wasn’t coping as well as I/it should have been and did have a chat with my manager regarding my concerns about being able to do the job.

One day, I (kind of) joked to another manager about if reception hours came up could she let me know. I didn’t really think anything of it and I can’t remember whether it was a week later or less than that but that manager asked me if I was serious about wanting to change position and if I was there was an option for me and that the management team just wanted to make sure I was ok within the role I was doing and if that meant change role then we could look at that.

After that conversation, knowing there might be or was an option for me, I decided to speak to my manager and General Manager about how I was feeling and that I thought it would be better for me and my health to take a step back, strip it back and have a job where I didn’t have responsibility for a team/department/stress and where I could do a job which could be left at work.

I have to say I feel very lucky to work for the company I work for. The conversation was positive and supportive rather than negative. A little disappointment that I would come out of the supervisor role because they know I’m capable of doing it well and had already done so much in the department but ultimately, they didn’t want to lose me and they supported me in putting myself and my health first. We agreed that I would go back to a more Front of House role which I loved before.

It felt very scary for me to even have this conversation, but as soon as I had I felt relieved. Even the day after my head felt a little less foggy.

I was tired, working at home, worrying about shift cover, battling with myself wanting to cover shifts meaning more hours, but knowing I would be too tired if I did. So, wanting to be the ‘yes’ person became apparent it wasn’t helping me. Then actually going through with the decision to say something and put myself first was also hard to do.

Am I letting myself down?

Should I give it longer?

It’s kind of bittersweet … I’m actually proud of myself for making this decision, helped by the support from my colleagues, but also a little sad that it’s been too much for me, or maybe too much too soon. I need to get back into the rhythm of working again and make sure I have more of a balance which hopefully I will have moving forward.

I hope this helps anyone who finds themselves in the same situation. That it’s okay to take a step back, get some clarity and say something is too much. Just because you look okay doesn’t mean there aren’t deeper unseen issues/symptoms/struggles you’re suffering with/from, and maybe you’re not fine all the time … which is okay to admit and to ask for help, so please do if you find yourself in the same position.

🦋 Thank You for reading 🦋